Near the turn of the New Year, I went birthday gift shopping for a couple of my friends and family. As I was paying for the gifts, the sales person behind the counter asked, “What are your New Year’s Resolutions?” I was caught off guard because one, I never had a sales person ask me that before, and two, I didn’t have any….yet. I replied that I didn’t make any resolutions. He was quite shocked. At that very moment in my head, I quickly asked myself , “what would it be if I did?” The song “Try” by Colbie Caillat came to mind. I responded to him, “If I had one, I would like to just be comfortable in my own skin. I want to stop comparing myself and accept myself as I am.” He actually loved that response. And you know, I did too:) I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
You will find that I randomly post songs on my blog. They are songs that speak to me during that period of my life. So I posted “Try” in the past. You see, I went through a phase where I felt “less than.” Social media and the internet world has been a love hate relationship for me. In one moment, I can get inspired by the world of Pinterest and Youtube. And in the next moment, I can feel that my work is not good enough or I am not good enough.
If you are anything like me, I love Pinterest. I can search and pin away the alluring world of bridal and couture. And let me tell you, it is a GORGEOUS world! I can get lost in it for hours. The dreamy photos, the beautiful lighting, the gorgeous models, the details of a dress, and even the feel of the image is just breath taking. I was so lost into it that it started making me feel “less than”:( I began to tell myself that I needed a new camera to record, I needed better lighting, I needed this, I needed that…to the point where I found myself blocked from any creativity or from going forward with a project. On top of that, I started receiving a wave of mean comments on Youtube. Don’t get me wrong, I receive many lovely messages as well but for some reason, when you read a mean one, it tends to stay on your heart a little longer. At first I was hurt (since I’m a people pleaser and highly sensitive), then it got to a point where I received so many that it became a joke. I know this may sound strange, but now, I am thankful for the mean ones. It made me look into myself and to the core of my existence. It made me again ask myself why I am creating and producing tutorials. And to be honest, I love what I do and I simply want to help others.
So even if my work does not meet others’ standards, I know I gave each project my heart and soul and no mean comment can hurt the core of my spirit. It may sting a little but I’ll get over it:) So although I am still on this journey of self love, I learned that I need to stop comparing, stop feeling “less than”, and that “I am enough.” I need to love myself (not in the context of vanity), but in the context of appreciating and accepting my imperfect self. Although there is always room to grow and improve, I need to know that “I am enough today” and that sometimes, I need to be my own Valentine too:)
So may you find self love in the healthiest sense and appreciate all that you are. And if you are not there yet, know that “I love you.”
Happy Valentine’s Day!
ps. Here’s a sneak peek of the next project:)